Friday, November 22, 2013

Lack of Confidence- Part 1

I have been fighting the age-old battle of self confidence recently.  And it really makes me mad at myself.  So there you go, I feel sorry for myself and then mad for feeling that way... what a mixed up ball of emotions us women can have, huh?

My image and confidence have been a struggle for me since I was probably five years old. I've always been overweight and had the yo-yo dieting with snippets of I don't really care times as well.  And after college, as my relationship with Christ grew, I started seeing my true identity, as a daughter of God (Ephesians 1:1-14).  This gave me a confidence boost that lasted a streak of many years.  Then my weight really piled on but I only noticed after I entered a new size of clothing I had never been in before (in any of the yo-yo times).  So I started focusing on my size more and more.

 Until in 2009, I started a weight loss competition at work (with all men).  And in that process I realized that God would have to really give me the strength and ability to get fit because I had failed so many times before on my own strength. 

So it began, I prayed daily through food addictions, and laziness.  I started running and praying throughout the runs and God is completely faithful.  I didn't even want all the sweets I had wanted before, because I knew all the exercise it would take to burn the calories. I became one of "those" people I had never understood, who loved running! I would run in the morning at 5 when it was still dark and the world was still.  I listened to praise music and just used the time to pray. 

In 15 months I had lost 70 pounds and I was the most toned with the most energy I had ever had in my life!  And then life happened.  I started dating my future husband and staying up late talking so 5 AM runs were impossible if I wanted to actually be functional for work too.  And then my eating habits began to change back to the old ways.  And now here I am three years later after marriage and a pregnancy and I am back to that top weight of before. 

And bless friend's hearts, if I mention my dissatisfaction with my size the first response is well you just had a baby.  And I did, so that's what I told myself for the first few months.  But in actuality, the pregnancy added 25 pounds and the rest was before I even got pregnant.  So here I am struggling with my self image at 32 years old.

I remember a conversation where I was less than supportive to a friend about eight years ago who was married but very concerned with her size, and in one of those less than stellar moments, I asked why it even mattered, she was married so she already had her man and it didn't matter what she looked like. But now I get it... how we see ourselves has a direct affect on our confidence.  So if we are seeing ourselves in a certain light (fat, tall, short, thin, dumb, etc), then chances are we are self conscious about it and our confidence will wain. 

This is compounded for me at this point, because I am still wearing maternity clothes and have very few outfits that fit well. So this is my struggle, but it doesn't end here.

Are any of you struggling with confidence?

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